Berlin Got Blurry: A Degenerates Guide to the German Capital

Recently, the Nothing Radio crew took a last minute trip to Berlin. We had 72 hours in the brutalist city and we wanted to highlight some of the things we did to inform ur next trip and hopefully make ur trip maximum degen. We highlight some of the bars we hit, clubs we danced at and our love for Lime scooters.

Places to Drink

Zum Elefanten

My first sip of Deutschland. Like any clueless tourists suffering from jet lag and chaffed thighs via narrow economy aircraft seating, our order was aggressively American. The scent of Doner had hardly reached our nostrils and there was no leather to be found on our bodies: We were far from acclimated. We ordered 1 draft pilsner, 1 German whiskey (which they didn’t have, but perhaps we exuded hot dog rather than bratwurst so they were gatekeeping) 1 Jim Beam, and a tequila ginger ale. After that order, I’m washed away by a sense of internalized shame and deep sorrow for the fine staff and patrons of Zum Elefanten. At least I got a drink to chase it. The bar was playing loud American rock, there was a pool table for all to enjoy, and to top it off, they upheld the dying tradition of indoor smoking. Did I just find myself in the Williamsburg of the EU? I’m not mad at it.

Taqueria Florian

Outside of this bar, two tattooed gentlemen donning full leather attire are sat down enjoying a beer. It’s 90 degrees or (32 degrees for all you celsius connoisseurs). Yeah, I think we’ve finally arrived. Does it get any more Berlin than that? If so, we need to shed our freedom clad scent of the good ol’ US of A to get to the bottom of it. In our first effort to move closer to that goal, we traded our aggressively American order of past for a modest 3 Pilsners. We may be degenerates but uncultured we are not. The lush red walls served as a complimentary backdrop to the moody flickering of matching red candles, which slowly dripped wax onto the laminated menu. Kinky. The men outside scoffed at my very loud shirt that proudly states: I HATE MUSIC. “Oh das ist Scheiße” mutters the larger of the two. Great vibes.

Republik Frank und Frei Beer Garden

Neighbors to Tresor and KitKat, this beer garden is a great spot to chill before either club. Whether you should go to these clubs is a different story; However, this spot does the trick and that’s all you can ask for from a bustling watering hole a stones throw away from two major nightlife destinations. The spot was packed and the drinks were flowing. Everyone seemed to have the same destination in mind and the outfits and general vibe ruminating here reflected that.

The Post Office/ Späti

So there was this post office down the block from our air bnb. However limiting yourself to one functions is bad for commerce, and they knew this. What else might the post office sell to improve market share? Beer and tobacco, with some tables outside to enjoy said product, naturally. Is this degen Utopia? Perhaps. America, your concept of “fReEdoM” is one of a false prophet. This was a sharp pierce in the veil of lies I have been subject to for my entire life. Germany, well fucking done. I guess you can say it was, the full package. 10/10 .

Where to Shop

Hard Wax

Within the walls of Tresor is probably the greatest record store ever. Bins of records line the walls of the minimal space, serving as utilitarian decoration. Everything from Aphex to warm, laid-back deep house jams can be found in the bins and are listenable on the 10 or so record players lined up in the store. Go check it out for sure, grab some records or simply chill in this exquisitely curated space and vibe out to some great tunes you won’t find anywhere else , just as God intended.

#HahaYoureUgly

The name alone. I mean bruh. I didn’t find any clothes (i’d say maybe I’m just ugly like they’re trying to gaslight me into thinking but I’m actually a beaut), I got a sick sticker though. Definitely good options if you’re looking for a last minute club fit. Also just go for the name I mean come on. They knew what they were doing. Its lowkey like how Apple switched the text bubble to green if the other person didn’t have an iPhone. Same concept right?

Repeater

Americana asl. Ralph would be shivering in his RRL boots if he saw this. The changing room curtains were the American flag (Live Love A$AP reference???). I spotted a bart Simpson vintage t-shirt (calm) and yeah some euro polos that you’d see a tourist sport on the subway and such. Scratch the itch of thrifting at this place if you have room in your backpack. I personally didn’t get anything because Im saving room to smuggle goods into the states but cool nonetheless.

Army Surplus

It’s literally called Trendy Amy Store. I looked at reviews and asked around and they all said it was good, so valid I guess. But with a name like that I thought I was about to walk into a military funded Temu. Anyways I went, and it was honestly great. A boy just wanted some camo pants for christ sake and I figured a Berlin surplus store would be a good lil vibe. Turns out I was right (usually am, although my friends would disagree).

Le Clubs

KitKat

For all the talk of Berlin’s unique style and club culture, why was everyone in the club in mesh Zara tops and pleather shorts? KitKat was hyped up to me as this playground of sin, but with all the glow in the dark lewd paintings on the wall  I was scratching my head as to why the dance floor looked more like an after-hours grey market NYC weed store that’s on the verge of being raided rather than a legendary sex club.

Tresor

For the sheer size of the building this venue was in, I was expecting a huge, multi tiered space. Instead Tresor was a pretty typical club setup. Large dance floor, sick lights, bar in the center and good sound. I would definitely hit this club if I knew the DJ that was coming through, but other than that it felt like a normal concert venue.

Berghain

The prettiest girl at the party. She delivered. Wearing her very best. While many claim it is impossible to get into the legendary club, we at Nothing Radio proclaim that as a skill issue. Inside Berghain was the industrial ambitions of Germany’s past and the hedonism of Germany present. I mean if you’re in Berlin you have to try and witness this labyrinth of rooms, dark corners and a massive dance floor. Yes, it was everything it is hyped up to be.

Don’t Forget to Eat

Rewe

Like the only grocery store in our area besides ‘Bio’ but that place scared me. It was healthy, too healthy. That’s not me: I prefer the place you can get the off brand red bull in a liter bottle. How is that legal??? I don’t know and I don’t care.  Stock up on cheap beer and food but stay away from the cheap wine. I got a $2 bottle of red. I’m lucky to tell the tale.

Rosenthaler Grill

Hungry and disillusioned I searched for an oasis. To my weary eyes I stumble upon Döner Kebab. 6 euros gets you a heaping pile of carbs and salt. The kebab was fire. Half and half garlic + spicy sauce put it over the top. Wow. Perfect place to refuel before continuing on your trek.

Acid Mitte

When Camus said “should I kill myself or have a cup of coffee”, he was probably enduring through a post Berghain 27 hour bender. Acid coffee had the best croissant I could find in the city and their cold brew was stoke. I asked for a latte and they gave me a black coffee. How German of them.

Places to Sight See

Berlin Wall

How are you gonna go to Berlin, king of dark, the merge between the east and west, the capitol of the macabre, and  NOT see the Berlin Wall??? It’s a must to visit the memorial. The wall is rebuilt to spec and is honestly awe inducing. There’s a cemetery behind the memorial as well which provided me with much needed shade after a long, hot walk. Very Enfant Riches Depremes coded.

Checkpoint Charlie

Checkpoint Charlie is the entrance into the former American military sector of Berlin. It was overrun by tourists but I was also contributing to this point so I cant say shit. It’s a cool spot and as you can imagine, lots of history if you’re into that kind of thing. A welcome break from degeneracy. There’s a museum I didn’t go in because it cost $ but there’s also a free lil info graphic area on the side which gave me all I needed. That last line could be a social commentary, take it how you want.

TV Tower

TV Tower is a huge Soviet era communications tower that is visible from everywhere in Berlin. The windowless column looms large over you when directly underneath and is very much a brutalistic, communist aesthetic ideation. Its right next to Alexander Platz (one of the main train stops into city) so if in the area, go stand beneath this behemoth and humble yourself if all the drugs didn’t do it for you already. There’s also a church from like 1200’s next to it that has a disco ball projected displaying the cross. Lol the most Berlin thing ever.

Other Random Things

Metro

Confusing af.

Lime Scooters

I was skeptical at first but lime the goat fr. Zip through the city at great pace but you look like a techbro dork doing it. Grab a LimePass its like $4 for 30mins and its way cheaper than riding without.

Bottle Return

After 72 hours worth of bottles we came away with 3ish euros. Rookie numbers.

Drinking in the park

Drinking in public really is an unmatched experience. America take notes. Land of the free??? Ok… lets take that line seriously and let me drink in the great outdoors without having to conceal it in a hydroflask.

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Written by Jesse Cabble, Toma Shade & Carter Houck

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